Recovery4Ever writes: You function best as “bad example” you say? I, for one, am grateful for your foibles in the love department. In my humble opinion that qualifies you quite nicely as a very effective Love Addict advice columnist — you have to experience it to dole it out!

With that encouragement, I return to the pile of unanswered questions from the July 20 Q&A at Jezebel.  Think of me as Dear Abby’s evil twin.

One of my good friends used to be a sex addict. She would constantly cheat on whoever she was in a relationship with, and since she was 15 has never been single. She is 29 now. Two years ago she got pregnant, and since then she and the baby’s father have stayed together. For the most part she seems happy, but every now and then she sends texts to exes, flirts with guys, etc. This behavior gets more extreme when she drinks, which she does a lot of. Basically, I see her heading down a dangerous path. Is there anything I can do as her friend to help? - Lachelita

First, you can remove the words “used to be” from your opening sentence.  Second… there is never much you can do to change another person, especially if that person doesn’t want to change.  But here’s what someone said to me once, and it made me think.  I was fooling around with a married man, which everyone but me knew was a terrible idea:  “I can’t stay friends with you if you continue to see this guy, so you’ll have to choose,” she said.  “I’m not going to tell you who to pick, but I will point out that I’m the one who doesn’t want to fuck you.”

You can tell your friend you think she’s an accident waiting to happen, and you’ll be keeping your distance until she sobers up physically and emotionally.  And then you can get yourself to Alanon or S-Anon, because you don’t have to be an addict to suffer from the disease of addiction.

How can you keep others from not making the terrible decisions you made, and not looking up to someone like you as a role model? - MackDaddyBossMan

Pull the string in my neck and hear me say it yet again: “I function best as a bad example.”  I wrote a whole book describing in lurid detail the horrible repercussions of the many terrible decisions I made.  Where I can occasionally serve as a role model is that I did finally find a path out of the darkness, and it is my honor and privilege to point it out to fellow travelers.

My question essentially boils down to this: Follow your heart or make a prudent choice about a mate? I tend to fall in love with artistic, kinda self-absorbed types because that’s where my ‘weaner’ leads me. These relationships tend to fail, for whatever reason, probably because of the independent nature of the kind of men I like. My mother has suggested that I settle for someone who may not be as interesting or exciting, but is stable and reliable. This sounds like Hell. I currently have a boyfriend in the first category, and things are ok so far… - Moosy

Boy, can I relate.  I have albums filled with photographs of artistic, self-absorbed types.  This is because, one, I’m old and, two, I had really low self-esteem for a lot of those years.  Relationships with self-absorbed men generally fail because the guy is by definition into himself, not into you.  And you don’t think enough of yourself to demand a guy who is into you.

“Stable and reliable” may simply be your mother’s way of saying “available.”  Which to you sounds like Hell because, of course, none of us love addicts would belong to any club that would have us for a member

The bad news is, just knowing this isn’t going to turn that hardworking, balding accountant into a studmuffin.  It’s a process.  I start by looking at the navel-gazing pretty-boy and saying to myself: “Well, there’s a nice looking pile of cocaine.  I think I’ll pass.”

I have two questions. The first is, what is the difference between someone who just really enjoys sex and has it often, and someone with a sex addiction? The second is, because I’m nosy, what did you go to jail for? (you can ignore that if you would rather not answer but the listing made me curious) - LlamasLlamasEverywhere

Here’s the definition of addiction: A chronic and relapsing brain disease characterized by compulsive use of a mind-altering substance or behavior despite negative life consequences.  It’s pretty specific, and it makes diagnosis pretty definitive.  Let’s break it down.  If it’s an addiction:

Someone using a chemical (e.g. alcohol) or a behavior (e.g. masturbation) to alter their mood, even when they didn’t mean to, even when it’s causing problems, and…

…if they manage to stop for a while, they will start up again…

…because it’s a biological/physiological/genetic disorder, not just a bad habit or series of poor choices.

If you aren’t missing work, going broke, telling lies, breaking hearts, spreading crabs, waking up embarrassed and ashamed… I don’t much care how many people you’re sleeping with.  If the police are called out on alternate Saturdays behind your jealous rages, one could be too many. 

And I was arrested for “possession of hashish with intent to sell.”  In the ‘70s, I was a felon.  Today, I’d be a medical marijuana dispensary.

I did an Ask Me Anything Webchat with Jezebel the other day about sex and love addiction, and I was amazed at the number of queries that came in. There was no way to answer everyone in the time allotted, and I feel bad for all those I didn’t respond to… probably because I’m a sick codependent people-pleaser, but that’s another column.

We will probably do another Jezebel event (sure, email them a request.  Why not?) and I may end up being the world’s least qualified advice columnist. I function best as a bad example, but hey, it’s better than nothing.

In the meantime, here are a few of the questions you haven’t seen on that site. And please, feel free to send me your own.

I have been with my husband for 7 years now - married for 3. Recently, a new person began working in my office and I have fallen for him. It’s just a crush at this point, but I am very tempted to tell him how I feel and have an affair with him (if he is interested). I know this is wrong, but I am not sure why I feel so strongly attracted to him. I love my job; quitting is not the answer. Do you have any suggestions for getting over a crush before anything happens? Or should I just give in to my feelings? (I have not told my husband - whom I dearly love but am not very passionate about anymore - about this.)

The Seven Year Itch didn’t get its name by accident. To look at it from a biochemical point of view, the dopamine (the “woo-hoo!” chemical) rush is over, the serotonin (the “I’m okay” chemical) is relatively balanced and the oxytocin (the “cuddle chemical”) has kicked in. Compared to dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin are pretty boring, so our brains will often seek excitement in other places. New romances. Mind-altering substances. Like that.

I recommend less destructive ways to get your brain over the hump. Having children is a common solution — it increases your bonding oxytocin and provides a steep dopamine learning curve. If you’re not nesting, try taking up an extreme sport for the dopamine and a charity project for the oxytocin. 

Believe it or not, building Habitats for Humanity with your spouse and/or skydiving can fill the same needs as an affair, and cost way less than divorce lawyers.

As far as disclosing - don’t tell no one nuthin’. It has no upside and the potential for great hurt. “They don’t lock you up for thinking crazy shit. They lock you up for doing crazy shit.”

Hi Ethlie! I was wondering what your advice is on being in a relationship with nasty arguments. Since my boyfriend and I started dating we would get into vicious fights. I used to see couples fighting drunkenly on the street at 3am and think “geez, get out of that relationship already” but now I’m in one of those relationships! It’s hard to reconcile with being called a “delusional, selfish, fucking bitch” and then go back to things as usual the next day. My boyfriend seems to think of these arguments as fleeting and gets over it quickly, even though he’s the one who says the most extreme things. 90% of the time I’m happy in this relationship, but the fights are exhausting. Have you been in a relationship like that? Any thoughts? Thanks!

I’ve been in a relationship where it spiraled downward from that into verbal provocation and physical abuse. It’s pretty awful when I look back on it, but at the time I thought it was a demonstration of our passion for one another. “I want someone who will fight for me, fight with me, fight over me!” I would cry. I had no idea that what I really wanted was a honking great jolt of adrenalin.

I’m not here to comment on your boyfriend’s behavior; he didn’t write to me. But you might want to take an objective look at his rages and decide if he actually gets off on them. There is such a thing as a “rage-aholic,” and they’re no fun when they’re acting out. You also want to think about whether you’re getting off on these fights. Adrenalin is a powerful drug. Not so good for you, but powerful.

I am always the first person to say “I love you” in a relationship. I haven’t always meant it in the past, and now that I’m 26 and getting a grasp on the root of my behaviors, I get that. I am, however, in love with my current boyfriend of 9 months. I want to tell him, but it took us almost 7 months to be exclusive (we were both scared after each spending 7 years with our previous partners) and I worry I will scare him off. I am incredibly neurotic and always terrified of expressing my emotions. I know that comes from years of living with emotionally abusive drug/alcohol addicts (including my father.) If you have some advice on how to approach the subject and how to address my own neurotic expectations, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

Abusive addict parents = childhood trauma = attachment disorders of many varieties. Sex and love addiction are one of the varieties, but unless you cheated like crazy on the boyfriend who was with you from ages 18 to 25… who were all these guys you said “I love you” to?  (We all get a pass for puppy love!)

Fear of rejection/abandonment, of not having your feelings returned, isn’t weird or unhealthy behavior. It’s human. The bad news: It doesn’t go away just because you both confess your love. It doesn’t go away when you get engaged. It doesn’t go away when you get married. I know one pretty damn healthy sober addict who has been with her guy for… it has to be more than 20 years, and she still wakes up every day wondering “I wonder if today is the day my husband figures out who I really am and leaves me?”

Then she tells her head to shut up, and makes herself and her husband some breakfast.

Do you think that polyamory could be a form of love/sex addiction? I’ve known my boyfriend about 8 years, but only dated him for six months. He has year+ long relationships, sometimes with one person, sometimes two, and though we’ve talked about it extensively, I’m not convinced that it isn’t the high of infatuation that he’s after.

It depends on the polyamorist. You can be non-monogamous and non-addicted. You can’t be non-monagmous and be my boyfriend, but that’s just me. It may be the high of infatuation he’s after, which is a red flag, but I haven’t met him.  

My question to you is: Are you looking for a polyamorous relationship? If not, why are you dating a polyamorist? If you’re expecting him to change for you… we may have located the crux of the problem.

My husband & I have been together for 13 yrs & for the 1st 7-8 years he cheated regularly, although I was too naive to see it ‘til about 7 yrs into the relationship. He had random pieces of ass on the side, and for a few yrs took on his godkids’ family as his own, even telling their mom that he & I weren’t together, that I was just a crazy ex who refused to let go. Granted I was no saint, but I just wanted some attention (cybersex) when he was out fucking around.

We have moved on & are still together & we even have a 2nd child now. But the problem is he has never manned up & admitted anything he did. I know it all happened cuz once I found out he was cheating I stayed in his phone, email & saved IM convos all the time. Do you think this makes me stupid for sticking it out & trying to build a trusting relationship? Would a sane person have jumped ship years ago? I guess I’m just looking for an affirmation from an objective party that I’m not a moron for the choice I’ve made.

I don’t think you’re a moron, but you are a classic love addict. I didn’t even need to know you stayed with a man who was cheating on you for years, or that you were cruising for romantic hits online. I would have diagnosed just from the part about listening in on his phone calls and reading his email. That is total love addict behavior.

Getting him to “man up and admit” what he did will do nothing but hurt your feelings and give you ammunition to hurt his. Before you find yourself in a dance of death with the father of your children, I hope that one or both of you will check out some self-help programs that deal with these issues. SLAA, SAA, CODA… I wouldn’t be at all surprised to hear there’s some some alcohol in this mix, which qualifies you guys for AA and/or Alanon.

Good luck!

Informal interview with Los Angeles journalist Jason Stafford covers some FAQ bullet points re: sex and love addiction and recovery…

http://jezebel.com/5927487/a-sex-and-love-addict-is-here-and-ready-to-answer-your-questions

Ethlie is doing an “ask me anything” webchat about sex and love addiction on Friday, July 20 at 3pm (eastern time) with the irrepressible www.Jezebel.com.   Please join in!

I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

“Lindsay” and I are a lot alike.  A lot like you, too, I suspect.  Someone pointed her to this blog and she had one of those V-8 moments – you know, when you slap your forehead and say “Good Lord!  It was staring me in the face the whole time!”

She writes: “I open your blog to ‘Hanging On the Telephone,’ and you are talking to me.  Right to me.  Me perseverating.  Me squandering brain power (which I can ill afford to squander.)  I may be nowhere near the fetal position, but I know when I’m checking my email too often, and for what.  I think some love-addiction-type crap has been screwing up my life in some less obvious but profound ways for a really long time — like, forever.”

She continues to elevate me with flattering comments on my work (along with affection and appetizers, I can never get enough flattering comments) and then drops me to the floor with a question.  A simple, straightforward question (Ethlie says, dripping with sarcasm.)  Lindsay wants to know what love is.

“Does non-addicted romantic love exist?” she asks.  “If yes, what is it?  Beyond the platitudes, and incorporating what we know about the physiology of it, really what is it?  And where does great, joyful, sexy sex fit into the picture?  What is the sexual-love piece that is more than just everyone getting off?  And what is the difference between cynicism and realism, about love and sex?”

I reminded her that more poetic minds than mine have been wrestling with that question from time immemorial.  But I know what she means.  She wants to know how we love addicts can tell the difference between addictive love and healthy love, considering we’ve been experiencing and/or craving (mostly craving) the former for our whole life.

Just as “dark” might best be described as “when there’s no light” or “weightlessness” as “lack of gravity,” I have an easier time telling you what healthy love isn’t.  It’s kind of like the definition of God’s will that was given to me when I was new to sobriety.  Newcomers are always asking how you know what God’s will is.  “You know that little jolt of excitement you get when you’re about to do something dangerous, or naughty, or secret?,” an old-timer said to me.  “That little zap it how you know it’s not God’s will.”

It’s also a good way to spot unhealthy, addictive love.

Anthropologist Helen Fisher can tell you more authoritatively than I can what love is.   She wrote an entire book about the nature and chemistry of romantic love, called WHY WE LOVE: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love (Holt, 2004.)  Her historical research shows that relationship insanity defies the bounds of time and space; neither unhealthy, addictive love nor serene, “companionate” love is a product of the modern world.  Both are characterized by distinct physical and psychological patterns that can be measured and charted.

Yet none of this stops me from crushing on an inappropriate man when the wind is blowing in the wrong direction.   Self-knowledge, as they say, avails us nothing.

But… I can take my emotional temperature when I am staring at someone across a crowded room, or across a dinner table.  Does this feel more like the excitement of pulling a jackpot at the slot machine, I ask myself, or the satisfaction of watching my savings account grow? 

We all know how much fun that jackpot is in the moment.  We all know how impossible it is to plan a future around it.

Panel Discussion of Love Addiction as portrayed in the movie SHAME. 

Panel Discussion of Sex Addiction as portrayed in the movie SHAME. 

The old line “Anything an alcoholic has ever let go of has claw marks all over it” applies double for addicts. Especially love addicts. We not only won’t let go of the actual person, we won’t even let go of the fantasy of what the relationship should be, could be, or might have been.

Love addicts spend an inordinate amount of time rescripting the past, perseverating (I just learned that word. Cool word!) on things like ”If I hadn’t slept with him on the first date, things would have worked out. I should have done X, then he would have done Y, then I would have done X, and he would have fallen in love with me.” Or, “I should have turned down that expensive dessert at dinner. I could have said X, and he would have said Y, and I would have blushed X, and he would have said ‘Where have you been all my life?’” Or “I wish I had appreciated Johnny in high school. We would have gone to X, and I would have told him Y, and he would have said X, and we’d be married today.”

Love addicts also squander a lot of brainpower trying to read minds. “Does he think I’m too needy/too independent?” “Did I scare him away when I said I liked big families/hated children?” “Does he think my ass is too fat?” The most common one, the one women ask me all the time — as if I’m somehow a better mindreader than they are — is simple: “Why doesn’t he call?”

I say “he” because a woman will call you to tell you why she’s not calling    ;-)

“Why doesn’t he call?” I’ve asked it myself. Some guy will go to heroic lengths to get my phone number… and then not use it. Another will barrage me with IM’s and, as soon as I agree to a cup of coffee, disappear from the face of Facebook. Why do they do that?

If it makes you feel better, my studies have revealed two possible reasons why they do that. One is anthropological, the other neurological. I would love to include the experiential and hear from some men on the topic but, A, half the time they don’t know the answer themselves and, B, who knows any men who will call and tell you anything?

Anthropologically, men are conditioned to hunt and conquer. Much of this still lingers in mating behavior. Getting the phone number is itself a victory; they don’t need to follow up on it with an actual call or, riskier still, an actual date. Quit while you’re ahead, Oh Great Warrior. Getting the consent for an encounter is as satisfying as the encounter itself.

There’s hard evidence that the latter is physiologically true, as well. Recent brain studies on gamblers showed that, particularly among compulsive gamblers, almost getting a slot machine jackpot lit up the dopamine receptors every bit as much as actually getting a jackpot. (Dopamine is part of the brain’s reward system; addicts never have enough of it.) So if the gentleman caller you’re concerned with has some addict tendencies — and, knowing you, he probably does — just knowing that he can call you is as satisfying as making the call.

More study needed, and I really would like to hear from some men on the topic. But right now, I’m playing with the concept of wanting a cigarette after fantasizing about sex….