Dr. Margaret Cary, who wrote the foreword to LOVE ADDICT: SEX, ROMANCE AND OTHER DANGEROUS DRUGS, often sends me articles she thinks I’ll find interesting. Research papers on the genetics of addiction, usually, or lactose intolerance.  This week, she sent a piece from THE WEEK about advances in epigenetics.

        Epigenetics — literally “on top of genetics” — is the recently discovered process by which our DNA blueprint will express, or not express, itself as a genetic command.  Our genes are malleable, not immutable; they adjust and alter throughout our lives, This explains why identical twins become less identical over time.  Science has lately confirmed what many have long suspected: our environment and our behavior can literally change us to the core.  It now appears that everything from childhood hugs to drinking from plastic bottles can turn our genes on and off.

        One simple example: Two siblings inherit a genetic predisposition to lung cancer.  The one who smokes… gets lung cancer.   How many times have we heard about the hardy old sod who smoked until she was 93, healthy as a horse until she got run over by a truck?  (Okay, maybe not that specifically….)  You need both the gene and the catalyst to activate it to get the outcome.

        So, how does that apply to love addiction?  When I was researching my book, I encountered two distinct and seemingly mutually exclusive schools of thought on the causes and conditions for sex and love addiction.  The neuroscientists say it’s all biology.  They point to brain scans and statistical studies that clearly demonstrate addicts are wired differently from non-addicts.  We have more white area in our gray matter.  We produce different quantities of different neurotransmitters.  We have specific, quantifiable genetic variations.

        The psychologists, on the other hand, tell me it’s all caused by childhood trauma.  You were sexually abused as a child?  You grow up to be a sex addict.  You were emotionally abandoned as a baby?  You grow up to be a love addict.  Addiction is the great psychic hole caused by parental abandonment, a hole the addict seeks to fill with food or love or alcohol or cigarette smoke… whatever you got, baby.

        Nature or nurture?  It’s hardly a new argument, but maybe there is a new solution.  The answer is C: All of the above.  For example, according to a 2009 study reported by the University of Utah, “Child abuse leaves an epigenetic mark on the brain. In a comparison of suicide victims who were abused or not, only the abused victims had an epigenetic tag on the GR [glucocorticoid receptor] gene. Interestingly, the GR gene receives a similar epigenetic tag in rat pups who receive low quality care from their mothers.”

        In other words, hit your kid or forget to feed your furry rat baby, and you leave permanent changes on its double helix.  Changes which may lead to self-destructive behavior. Changes which can be inherited by the next generation, by the way.

        So go ahead, blame childhood trauma if you want.  Or blame neurochemistry.  But epigenetics tells us that you need both the gasoline and the match to start the fire.  It’s a concept those crusty old alcoholics who started the 12-step programs came up with back in the 1930s: Addiction is an allergy of the body, an obsession of the mind, and a malady of the spirit.

In my experience, Alanon is a great help if you find yourself obsessing on your significant other’s poor driving habits. It doesn’t do as much if you find yourself obsessing on driving your car through your married lover’s living room window.

It’s quite common to suddenly find ourselves face-to-face with our Affection Deficit Disorder only after stripping away all the mind-altering substances we were using to cover up the existential pain of it all.  Amend that: Mind-altering substances and behaviors; overeating, gambling and smoking work perfectly well on that front, thank you.  

Sex and love addiction are codependency on crack. That’s why the S programs — SAA, SCA and SLAA — are currently the fastest growing of the 12-step programs. Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA or ACOA) couldn’t hurt, and I’m glad it’s serving you, but I have always found that the deep identification of fellow sufferers that formed the basis of AA back in 1935 is the best route to healing. Hence, SLAA.

Here’s what the old farts who wrote the Big Book (I always think of them as old farts; they were, of course, quite young at the time) figured out, based on their own experience and observation: Addiction is an allergy of the body, an obsession of the mind, and a malady of the spirit. This has since confirmed by modern science. To heal, we need to treat mind, body and soul.

You can work the triangle with therapy, yoga and volunteerism. Or church, charity and medication. For me, the 12-step model of recovery, unity and service addresses all three damaged areas in one neat package. It’s available all over the planet, it’s open every day, and it’s free. 

For someone who is in between health insurers, that looks darn good to me.

Full disclosure: I’m writing this oh-so-overdue blog mainly because I’m having writer’s block on a script. Until I break the third act (anyone want to come over and help me break a third act?), I might as well answer more reader questions about sex and love addiction.

A good friend of mine describes himself as a sex addict. He just got into a monogamous relationship about six weeks ago, and he’s already straying.  He seems to want advice, but I don’t know what to say - other than that monogamous isn’t the only kind of relationship you can have. What would you say? - Klur

I would say it depends on whether he wants to be monogamous or not.  Just as there’s a difference between a boozy fratboy and a real alcoholic, there’s a difference between a cheating boyfriend and a sexual compulsive.  No fair calling yourself a sex addict just to give yourself an out, because you regret having made a commitment to exclusivity.  It gives sex addicts a bad name.

If, however, your friend wants to be faithful yet is genuinely unable to control his impulses, you’re not doing him any favors by telling him he can apply for an open relationship.  It’s kind of like telling a hope-to-die pothead that he can always move to Colorado.    

As women, we’re flooded with stories about falling love being the most amazing and transformative thing ever — from Disney flicks to RomComs and the Vows section of the Times. What’s your take on that stuff? - Dodai Stewart

Sadly, men are also flooded with the mythology of being “saved by the love of a good woman.”  In parts of the Old West, a convicted murderer could be actually pardoned if a woman agreed to marry him, under the assumption that he would inevitably straighten up and fly right under her tender mercies.

My take on this Love is All There Is/All You Need Is Love trope, when love equals romance, is that it’s misguided and occasionally dangerous.  It’s the belief system that creates stalkers, suicides, and bad poetry.  Realistically, though, trying to change it would be like trying to change gun control laws.  Or the tides.  People like magic, and Prince Charming’s Kiss is just that: magic. It’s all the Happily Ever After with none of the effort; it’s weight loss with no diet or exercise, or the secret to making five thousand dollars a month at home in your spare time.  We fall for that crap, too.

Most of the time when I am intimate with someone I am totally alienated and feel not-present, but I have always sought out sexual attention anyway, even though I know it isn’t going to feel like anything. Do you think that’s a kind of addiction, since it has an element of self harm? - Too Many Times

Have you ever thought that maybe the attention was your gratification, not the sex?  It’s pretty common for love addicts; the offer of sex is what sets off the delightful dopamine cascade in our bent little brains.  The anticipation of reward is more important than the reward itself, like the way seeing the slot machine come up 7-7-7 is way more potent than the five extra bucks in your wallet.

That’s the physical part of it.  On an emotional level, the offer is a validation of our desirability.  As a rule, sex and love addicts are a quart low on self-esteem, and often come to the party with what therapists call “attachment disorder” — hence, your sense of alienation and not being present.  In this short note, I would say you’ve self-diagnosed a complex and multilayered addiction.  Well done!

Since you’ve not only experienced the addiction to love and sex but also studied the pathology of it, what would you say is the most common sort of “breaking point” or moment of realization that helps addicts not only acknowledge and understand their addiction, but also spur them into making a serious change for themselves? - Baldylocks

In Cocaine Anonymous, they used to welcome people who were “sick and tired of being sick and tired.”  Oldtimers in AA talk about “when what it’s doing to you is more than what it’s doing for you.”  It’s the same in sex and love addiction.  Like any drug, the love drug works great… right up until it stops working.  That’s why we like it in the first place.  And when it stops working, we tend to deny that for a while.  “Someone cut this coke all to hell.”  “All the good men are married.”  “I have to stop drinking tequila; it gives me headaches.”  “Maybe she’s crazy, but it’s so hot in bed.”  And always, “This time will be different….”

Until one day you just can’t fool yourself any longer, your head pops out of your ass, and you have what’s commonly called a moment of clarity.  And then you change. 

Developing the willingess to change can take a long, long time.   Change itself… is instant.

Dr. Margaret Cary, who wrote the Foreword to LOVE ADDICT: SEX, ROMANCE AND OTHER DANGEROUS DRUGS, passed along a couple of interesting articles, and I pass them along to you.

First, the New York Times published a piece by Richard A. Friedman, professor of clinical psychiatry at the Weill Cornell Medical College, called I Heart Unpredictable Love, about how some people (guess who?) are neurochemically drawn to inconstant lovers.  Dr. Cary smiley-faced, “You could have told them this years ago.”

Then, from the same source — both Dr. Cary and the Times — is a piece by Sonja Lyubomirsky, professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside. New Love: A Short Shelf Life again connects the dots between surprise, lust and dopamine.  The professor also offers advice on how to keep a long-term relationship fresh — in case any of you are in long-term relationships, and somehow I suspect that’s not too many of you.

Check ‘em out.

There are a couple of things love addicts do that baffle observers.  Okay, there are a hundred things love addicts do that baffle observers, but this conversation is about two of them, a pair that seem to be diametrically opposed.  And yet, I believe, they stem from the same mental quirk.

Tell me if you relate to either of these behaviors: When approaching a new relationship (or, for that matter, applying for a job) we tell ourselves “Oh, it’s not that important.  I don’t really want it.  I don’t mind that much if it doesn’t happen.”  It’s a preemptive strike, an attempt to assuage our disappointment if/when the romance/job/tax refund/new puppy doesn’t materialize.  It doesn’t work, but that’s beside the point.

At the same time, however, love addicts are magnetically drawn to the least available partner in the vicinity.  You’re leaving the country?  I love you.  Married?  We can work with that.  The married Director of the CIA who is usually out of the country?  Perfect!  (I’m talking to you, Paula Broadwell…)

This second quirk, you would think, is a set-up for failure.  And anyone so afraid of failure that they will delude themselves they didn’t want whatever it was in the first place would, you would also think, avoid these set-ups.  And yet, these seemingly contradictory ideas coexist uncomfortably in the same heads.  Like mine.

Here’s what I think is going on in our addict brains.  We are managing our expectations — and addiction is all about expectation — in order to do what alcoholics call “control and enjoy” their drinking.  Bear with me while I try to connect some dots. 

Sex and love addicts — most addicts — live in the black and the white.  Highs and lows, peaks and valleys, ecstasy and despair.  This is all part of a brain reward system gone amok, the physiological component of addiction.  (There’s also a psychological and a metaphysical element.)  We love junkies, intoxicated by romance, thrive on anticipation and rarely feel satisfied.  The gap between high expectations and low results is despair.  The gap between low expectations and high results is ecstasy.

So if you prefer the ecstasy to the despair — and who doesn’t? — wouldn’t you rather have the rare and thrilling high of getting the ungettable than the frequent and thudding despair of losing anything else?  The flood of dopamine accompanying nailing that rock star makes up for a hundred lost jobs, especially when we tell ourselves the job wasn’t that desirable in the first place.  Managing our expectations.  If I expect little, I will be less disappointed if it doesn’t happen and way more appointed (is that a word?) if it does.

The downside of this system is that it’s insane addict thinking.  We are in fact every bit as disappointed when we don’t get the thing we pretended not to want in the first place.  And if we actually land the object of our obsession, that unfaithful/married/gay/felonious/foreign stranger, we rarely get to keep them because, after all, they were never a very suitable match.

Of course, we never really wanted them anyway….

This story landed in my Facebook message box (you know you can find me on Facebook, yes?) because whenever love addiction is in the news, you can count on my network to give me a heads up:

NUCLEAR SUBMARINE COMMANDER FAKED DEATH TO END AFFAIR

Karen Florin and Jennifer McDermott reported in the original piece for The Day in Connecticut that Navy Cmdr. Michael P. Ward II, accused of having an affair with a 23-year-old Chesapeake, Va., woman and faking his death as a means of ending it, had been relieved of his duties as the commanding officer of the USS Pittsburgh.

The woman said she met Ward, 43, on a dating website in October. Ward, who is married with children, told her he was separated and that he worked in “special ops.” She said he got her pregnant and then, in an effort to end the relationship, faked his death in an email communication in July.

According to a press release from the Navy, he was removed from his post “due to lack of confidence in Ward’s ability to command based upon allegations of personal misconduct.” 

Here are the details of said misconduct, according to the article: The woman said Ward sent her emails using the name Tony Moore, explaining that he had to use the name because of his position in the special forces. He told her his real name when they met, but shortly he left for a six-month deployment. He returned in June.

On July 6, she received an email from his address purporting to be from a man who worked with Ward. “I am extremely sorry to tell you that he is gone. We tried everything we could to save him. I cannot say more.” The email goes on to say, “He loved you very much.”

The woman said that on July 9, she drove with family members to Ward’s house to pay her respects, and learned that Ward was alive and had moved to Connecticut.  She said she then became ill, was hospitalized, and learned she was pregnant. She said she has since lost the baby.

Pretty much all the coverage — and there has been quite a bit, unfortunately for  Commander Ward (ex-Commander Ward?) blames the guy for being a liar, a cheat and, let’s face it, an idiot.  But stop for a moment and look at it from the perspective of love addiction.  What if it’s the lady who’s insane?  What if the guy is just your average philanderer cruising the web for a bit of strange.  Unless he has a pattern of doing this over and over, despite obviously poor results, he’s nothing more than a garden variety asshole.  But the woman?  She’s a danger to herself and society.

Take the facts chronologically: Mistress X (she doesn’t reveal her name, not wanting to risk losing her job) connects online with a guy 20 years her senior.  This is in October.  When they meet up — which has to be before December, because he’s 20 thousand leagues under the sea by then — he tells her he’s been lying about his name, but she’s fine with that and sleeps with him anyway.  They have a long-distance, catch-as-catch-can affair which lasts 6 or 8 weeks, tops — probably less, because I’m guessing he spent Christmas and Thanksgiving with his kids.  

Having accomplished his goal which, as we mentioned, was to have sex with someone not his wife, he leaves for Bahrain and the UAE.  She, however, will not be dumped.  She is in looooove, pursuing this fantasy relationship to the point that he has to pretend to be dead to get rid of her.  And even then she persists!  She drives her family to pay respects at the funeral.  Was she invited to a funeral?  Was she even told where said funeral was going to be?

Now, I haven’t met or interviewed this unnamed woman  so I could be talking out of my ass.  But if I were a betting woman — and I am not, Gamblers Anonymous being about the only 12-step program I do not qualify for — I would put my money on her being the ass-talker here.

How do I know?  Because I have been in fantasy relationships like that, except for the submarine part.  I have been naively, childishly convinced that the romantic clichés, the obvious lies and the hollow flattery were true because I wanted so badly for it all to be true.  I have driven miles for joyful reunions with men who had no idea who I was.

I got better.  I hope the crazy lady does, too.  

I don’t know about you, but when I feel fat, the first thing I want to do is eat.  When I feel poor I run out and spend money, and when I feel lonely, I lock myself in my room and isolate.  My brain is wired backwards.  I have what the professionals call a “paradoxical relationship” to everything from St. John’s Wort (it depresses me) to estrogen (it gives me pimples.)  

I think this backwards wiring is something addicts share.  For example: Drug addicts invariably get hooked on to what you’d think was exactly the wrong drug.  Alcohol is a depressant, but who drinks the most? Depressives!  That guy you saw crying into his beer was crying when gravitated to beer in the first place, and he’ll probably be whimpering in AA meetings if and when he sobers up.  The roommate who already eats more than his share of the pizza will end up as a pothead, and the one face-down in the carpet listening to jazz is the one who eventually graduates to heroin.  And me, the freaking Energizer bunny on the natch, immediately reached for the cocaine. 

There’s something going on here more than self-destructive behavior.  Some say that the addict’s head is only keeping the body below alive because it needs the transportation.  I think there’s a whole ‘nother thing going on.  You know that the preferred treatment for ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) is speed, right?  Ritalin is speed; Adderall is speed.  The current go-to drug for adult ADHD, Vyvanse, is Lisdexamfetamine dimesylate — as if spelling amphetamine with an “f” makes a difference.  It’s speed.

Why do they give uppers to people who are already hyperactive?  For the same reason I reached for cocaine.  For us, it has a paradoxical reaction.  It gives us focus.  It calms us down.  

The problem is, as often as not, an addict will usually overshoot the mark.  I’m trying to find the Lee Marvin-in-Cat Ballou moment, that perfect balance of Xanax, brandy and Dexamyl (or whatever), and somehow I end up in San Rafael with an unemployed bass player.  I never meant for that to happen; I overshot the mark.

None of us never meant to stay up until the lawn sprinklers went off and the damn birds started singing; we just overshot the mark.  We didn’t mean to get so drunk we barfed on the boss’s shoes, but we overshot the mark.  And as for the love addicts: We didn’t mean to sleep with him on the first date… we were kissing, and we overshot the mark.

I mention this because while an estimated 10,000-20,000 Americans die annually from the effects of illegal drugs, 100,000-200,000 die from physician-prescribed medication.  Some of them get prescribed to love addicts desperately trying to ease the twin agonies of obsession and withdrawal. If, like me, you have brain wiring that is maybe upside-down, keep that wacky mind in mind when you pop those pills.  

Death is a mark you just don’t want to overshoot.

And we’re back.  Still working my way through the pile of reader questions from JEZEBEL.  Hoping to have it completed before October, when I will be the Guest Expert of the Month at www.AddictionLand.com (“Easy to get in, but can you get out?”) and the floodgates will open once again.  

So far, the top contenders for my Dear Abby/Ann Landers’ Evil Other Twin name are: MISSED MANNERS, ANN BLUNDERS, DEAR ABBY-NORMAL and the one up there in the header, DOWNTOWN ABBY.  Feel free to add your own.

Minnesota 2012 asks:  Why do I continue to have sex with someone who doesn’t care about me? I know it’s a waste of time, I know I deserve so much better, blah, blah, blah - This doesn’t change that I still do it. Willingly. What is it about the sex act that makes a woman forego all logical self-respect?

It’s not the sex act; it’s the neurochemicals produced by the anticipation of sex (dopamine) and the cuddling afterwards (oxytocin) — not to mention the barrage of endorphins during the delightful bits in between.  And it’s not all women; it’s you.  Also me, and a bunch of us who are addicted to said feelgood brain chemicals.

So while the logical and rational front brain is saying “This guy doesn’t care about me, it’s a waste of time, I know I deserve better,” the lizard brain tucked way in the back is saying “Oh baby, oh baby. harder faster more.”  It’s a contest the lizard brain will always win… unless you stack the deck.  The process of  recovery is learning how to stack the deck: a supportive group, a counselor, contrary action, bottom lines/abstinence, blah blah blah.

You gain self-respect when you behave in a way that respects yourself.  I have to act myself into right thinking, because I can never think myself into right acting.  Stupid lizard brain always gets in the way.

Woman 23 asks: I would love to hear your thoughts on jealousy, open relationships, etc..

When I was in the throes of love addiction, I was pathologically jealous.  I was the kind of girl who would read his journals and freak out over women he was with before he ever met me.  When I was getting clean from cocaine, I gave up four months of sobriety because I saw the guy I liked dancing with another girl.  (I say “girl,” but I was 35 at the time and assume she was about the same.  This isn’t the junior prom we’re talking about, here.)  I never actually cut up anyone’s clothes or burned his car — I know women who have done both — but I have fantasized about it. 

I’m not like that any more, thank God.  I wouldn’t be with a guy I didn’t trust, for one, and I also know that having a man’s attention 100% of the time is not the stairway to heaven.  That being said, open relationships are not for me.  I don’t poke sleeping dogs with sharp sticks, and love addiction is a very large, very dangerous dog.  I could pretend I had no problem with polyamory, either out of sheer denial or in vain hopes of converting the guy to monogamy, but for me that’s just a heartache looking for a place to happen.

And Precious Little of That asks: How do you convince a stubborn Baby Boomer to get into therapy when they don’t want to see a “head-shrinker?” I’m asking for…um…the child of a friend.

You’re singing my song, sister!  I tried to get my hypercontrolling, manic-depressive, gambling addict mother into therapy, into Gamblers Anonymous, into Alanon, into anything that might help her heal.  For probably 20 years.  Not only didn’t she go, but she resented that I judged and criticized her all the time and kept wanting her to change.

Kind of like I resented her all my life for judging and criticizing me, and forever wanting me to change.  Go figure. 

In the end, we can never change anything but our own actions and our own attitude.  The weird thing is, that changes everyone around us.

In your… um, friend’s case, I recommend being as happy as possible and, if asked, credit your tiny, shrunken head.

Erin Gloria asks:I once read that your romantic sophistication/development as a person ends when a long period of never being single begins — say, if a woman spent ages 20-3o hopping from boyfriend to boyfriend and suddenly finds herself single, when she tries to go out and date, she’ll approach it like a 20-year-old would.

What would your experience say to that? Do you believe that constant relationships impede personal development? Did it impede yours?

For most people, I credit this more to acculturation than personality development.  Dating  habits are formed when you were last dating, so you’ll revert to that until you learn new habits.  Other than creating some awkwardness that will make cute dinnertable chit-chat on your next internet date, I don’t see it as a big issue.

In the world of addicts (AdditionLand!  Easy to get in, but can you get out?), however, it’s a different story.  An addict’s personality development and life coping skills stop when they start using.  For most of us, this is smack dab in mid-adolescence because, after all,  there’s nothing to make you need a drink like puberty.  So we begin our “sober dating” life at 30 or 40 or 50… with all the romantic sophistication of a 15-year-old. 

This is past awkward to the point of potentially lethal, like underage driving.  We should all get learner’s permits. 

Recovery4Ever writes: You function best as “bad example” you say? I, for one, am grateful for your foibles in the love department. In my humble opinion that qualifies you quite nicely as a very effective Love Addict advice columnist — you have to experience it to dole it out!

With that encouragement, I return to the pile of unanswered questions from the July 20 Q&A at Jezebel.  Think of me as Dear Abby’s evil twin.

One of my good friends used to be a sex addict. She would constantly cheat on whoever she was in a relationship with, and since she was 15 has never been single. She is 29 now. Two years ago she got pregnant, and since then she and the baby’s father have stayed together. For the most part she seems happy, but every now and then she sends texts to exes, flirts with guys, etc. This behavior gets more extreme when she drinks, which she does a lot of. Basically, I see her heading down a dangerous path. Is there anything I can do as her friend to help? - Lachelita

First, you can remove the words “used to be” from your opening sentence.  Second… there is never much you can do to change another person, especially if that person doesn’t want to change.  But here’s what someone said to me once, and it made me think.  I was fooling around with a married man, which everyone but me knew was a terrible idea:  “I can’t stay friends with you if you continue to see this guy, so you’ll have to choose,” she said.  “I’m not going to tell you who to pick, but I will point out that I’m the one who doesn’t want to fuck you.”

You can tell your friend you think she’s an accident waiting to happen, and you’ll be keeping your distance until she sobers up physically and emotionally.  And then you can get yourself to Alanon or S-Anon, because you don’t have to be an addict to suffer from the disease of addiction.

How can you keep others from not making the terrible decisions you made, and not looking up to someone like you as a role model? - MackDaddyBossMan

Pull the string in my neck and hear me say it yet again: “I function best as a bad example.”  I wrote a whole book describing in lurid detail the horrible repercussions of the many terrible decisions I made.  Where I can occasionally serve as a role model is that I did finally find a path out of the darkness, and it is my honor and privilege to point it out to fellow travelers.

My question essentially boils down to this: Follow your heart or make a prudent choice about a mate? I tend to fall in love with artistic, kinda self-absorbed types because that’s where my ‘weaner’ leads me. These relationships tend to fail, for whatever reason, probably because of the independent nature of the kind of men I like. My mother has suggested that I settle for someone who may not be as interesting or exciting, but is stable and reliable. This sounds like Hell. I currently have a boyfriend in the first category, and things are ok so far… - Moosy

Boy, can I relate.  I have albums filled with photographs of artistic, self-absorbed types.  This is because, one, I’m old and, two, I had really low self-esteem for a lot of those years.  Relationships with self-absorbed men generally fail because the guy is by definition into himself, not into you.  And you don’t think enough of yourself to demand a guy who is into you.

“Stable and reliable” may simply be your mother’s way of saying “available.”  Which to you sounds like Hell because, of course, none of us love addicts would belong to any club that would have us for a member

The bad news is, just knowing this isn’t going to turn that hardworking, balding accountant into a studmuffin.  It’s a process.  I start by looking at the navel-gazing pretty-boy and saying to myself: “Well, there’s a nice looking pile of cocaine.  I think I’ll pass.”

I have two questions. The first is, what is the difference between someone who just really enjoys sex and has it often, and someone with a sex addiction? The second is, because I’m nosy, what did you go to jail for? (you can ignore that if you would rather not answer but the listing made me curious) - LlamasLlamasEverywhere

Here’s the definition of addiction: A chronic and relapsing brain disease characterized by compulsive use of a mind-altering substance or behavior despite negative life consequences.  It’s pretty specific, and it makes diagnosis pretty definitive.  Let’s break it down.  If it’s an addiction:

Someone using a chemical (e.g. alcohol) or a behavior (e.g. masturbation) to alter their mood, even when they didn’t mean to, even when it’s causing problems, and…

…if they manage to stop for a while, they will start up again…

…because it’s a biological/physiological/genetic disorder, not just a bad habit or series of poor choices.

If you aren’t missing work, going broke, telling lies, breaking hearts, spreading crabs, waking up embarrassed and ashamed… I don’t much care how many people you’re sleeping with.  If the police are called out on alternate Saturdays behind your jealous rages, one could be too many. 

And I was arrested for “possession of hashish with intent to sell.”  In the ‘70s, I was a felon.  Today, I’d be a medical marijuana dispensary.

I did an Ask Me Anything Webchat with Jezebel the other day about sex and love addiction, and I was amazed at the number of queries that came in. There was no way to answer everyone in the time allotted, and I feel bad for all those I didn’t respond to… probably because I’m a sick codependent people-pleaser, but that’s another column.

We will probably do another Jezebel event (sure, email them a request.  Why not?) and I may end up being the world’s least qualified advice columnist. I function best as a bad example, but hey, it’s better than nothing.

In the meantime, here are a few of the questions you haven’t seen on that site. And please, feel free to send me your own.

I have been with my husband for 7 years now - married for 3. Recently, a new person began working in my office and I have fallen for him. It’s just a crush at this point, but I am very tempted to tell him how I feel and have an affair with him (if he is interested). I know this is wrong, but I am not sure why I feel so strongly attracted to him. I love my job; quitting is not the answer. Do you have any suggestions for getting over a crush before anything happens? Or should I just give in to my feelings? (I have not told my husband - whom I dearly love but am not very passionate about anymore - about this.)

The Seven Year Itch didn’t get its name by accident. To look at it from a biochemical point of view, the dopamine (the “woo-hoo!” chemical) rush is over, the serotonin (the “I’m okay” chemical) is relatively balanced and the oxytocin (the “cuddle chemical”) has kicked in. Compared to dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin are pretty boring, so our brains will often seek excitement in other places. New romances. Mind-altering substances. Like that.

I recommend less destructive ways to get your brain over the hump. Having children is a common solution — it increases your bonding oxytocin and provides a steep dopamine learning curve. If you’re not nesting, try taking up an extreme sport for the dopamine and a charity project for the oxytocin. 

Believe it or not, building Habitats for Humanity with your spouse and/or skydiving can fill the same needs as an affair, and cost way less than divorce lawyers.

As far as disclosing - don’t tell no one nuthin’. It has no upside and the potential for great hurt. “They don’t lock you up for thinking crazy shit. They lock you up for doing crazy shit.”

Hi Ethlie! I was wondering what your advice is on being in a relationship with nasty arguments. Since my boyfriend and I started dating we would get into vicious fights. I used to see couples fighting drunkenly on the street at 3am and think “geez, get out of that relationship already” but now I’m in one of those relationships! It’s hard to reconcile with being called a “delusional, selfish, fucking bitch” and then go back to things as usual the next day. My boyfriend seems to think of these arguments as fleeting and gets over it quickly, even though he’s the one who says the most extreme things. 90% of the time I’m happy in this relationship, but the fights are exhausting. Have you been in a relationship like that? Any thoughts? Thanks!

I’ve been in a relationship where it spiraled downward from that into verbal provocation and physical abuse. It’s pretty awful when I look back on it, but at the time I thought it was a demonstration of our passion for one another. “I want someone who will fight for me, fight with me, fight over me!” I would cry. I had no idea that what I really wanted was a honking great jolt of adrenalin.

I’m not here to comment on your boyfriend’s behavior; he didn’t write to me. But you might want to take an objective look at his rages and decide if he actually gets off on them. There is such a thing as a “rage-aholic,” and they’re no fun when they’re acting out. You also want to think about whether you’re getting off on these fights. Adrenalin is a powerful drug. Not so good for you, but powerful.

I am always the first person to say “I love you” in a relationship. I haven’t always meant it in the past, and now that I’m 26 and getting a grasp on the root of my behaviors, I get that. I am, however, in love with my current boyfriend of 9 months. I want to tell him, but it took us almost 7 months to be exclusive (we were both scared after each spending 7 years with our previous partners) and I worry I will scare him off. I am incredibly neurotic and always terrified of expressing my emotions. I know that comes from years of living with emotionally abusive drug/alcohol addicts (including my father.) If you have some advice on how to approach the subject and how to address my own neurotic expectations, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

Abusive addict parents = childhood trauma = attachment disorders of many varieties. Sex and love addiction are one of the varieties, but unless you cheated like crazy on the boyfriend who was with you from ages 18 to 25… who were all these guys you said “I love you” to?  (We all get a pass for puppy love!)

Fear of rejection/abandonment, of not having your feelings returned, isn’t weird or unhealthy behavior. It’s human. The bad news: It doesn’t go away just because you both confess your love. It doesn’t go away when you get engaged. It doesn’t go away when you get married. I know one pretty damn healthy sober addict who has been with her guy for… it has to be more than 20 years, and she still wakes up every day wondering “I wonder if today is the day my husband figures out who I really am and leaves me?”

Then she tells her head to shut up, and makes herself and her husband some breakfast.

Do you think that polyamory could be a form of love/sex addiction? I’ve known my boyfriend about 8 years, but only dated him for six months. He has year+ long relationships, sometimes with one person, sometimes two, and though we’ve talked about it extensively, I’m not convinced that it isn’t the high of infatuation that he’s after.

It depends on the polyamorist. You can be non-monogamous and non-addicted. You can’t be non-monagmous and be my boyfriend, but that’s just me. It may be the high of infatuation he’s after, which is a red flag, but I haven’t met him.  

My question to you is: Are you looking for a polyamorous relationship? If not, why are you dating a polyamorist? If you’re expecting him to change for you… we may have located the crux of the problem.

My husband & I have been together for 13 yrs & for the 1st 7-8 years he cheated regularly, although I was too naive to see it ‘til about 7 yrs into the relationship. He had random pieces of ass on the side, and for a few yrs took on his godkids’ family as his own, even telling their mom that he & I weren’t together, that I was just a crazy ex who refused to let go. Granted I was no saint, but I just wanted some attention (cybersex) when he was out fucking around.

We have moved on & are still together & we even have a 2nd child now. But the problem is he has never manned up & admitted anything he did. I know it all happened cuz once I found out he was cheating I stayed in his phone, email & saved IM convos all the time. Do you think this makes me stupid for sticking it out & trying to build a trusting relationship? Would a sane person have jumped ship years ago? I guess I’m just looking for an affirmation from an objective party that I’m not a moron for the choice I’ve made.

I don’t think you’re a moron, but you are a classic love addict. I didn’t even need to know you stayed with a man who was cheating on you for years, or that you were cruising for romantic hits online. I would have diagnosed just from the part about listening in on his phone calls and reading his email. That is total love addict behavior.

Getting him to “man up and admit” what he did will do nothing but hurt your feelings and give you ammunition to hurt his. Before you find yourself in a dance of death with the father of your children, I hope that one or both of you will check out some self-help programs that deal with these issues. SLAA, SAA, CODA… I wouldn’t be at all surprised to hear there’s some some alcohol in this mix, which qualifies you guys for AA and/or Alanon.

Good luck!